Izza Zukhrufia

Take Every Chance, Because We're Only Young Once

Loneliness is a powerful feeling.

It makes you question your worth.
It leaves you wondering whether you are enough.

Hanging on there, dear self

Hi.

So.. Lately I’ve been having recurrent anxiety attacks. I actually don’t know whether those were ‘real’ attacks or not.. But I do know that what I felt at those times were real. My bf usually asked me what caused the anxiety, and… I always told him I wasn’t sure. Most of the times I did not know why… Or maybe deep down in my heart I knew, but I was too afraid to admitted it.

The attack usually started with palpitation. Sometimes I could hear my own heart beating so loud it scared me. Then this uneasy feeling kicked in.. But the feeling wasn’t sadness. Sometimes it was guilty. Sometimes it was shame. Sometimes it was a little bit of both. But most of the times, it was a feeling of despair… I just felt so powerless.. I regretted the things I did, and I worried sick about things I can’t control..

And then my heart and my body felt so heavy. I did not want to move my body. I just lied on my bed, listened to my own heartbeat. I was waiting for all of the negative feeling to fade away. The thing is, sometimes this happened at work, and this was so frustrating…

Hi.

It’s actually rather difficult for me to write this post. But somehow I know that I need to. Writing has always been therapeutic for me. I hope this can help me put what I’ve been feeling and thinking into a more constructive thought…

So… I had a quite tough time a few weeks ago. Well, to put it simply, I was lonely (maybe I still am hahaha). It has been approximately 6 months since the first time I worked in Solo yet I don’t have any friends here at the hospital. I don’t have any friends to talk to, I don’t have any friends to hang around with… At first I was okay with all of that. I mean, I was going back and forth to Jogja on weekends, I’ve got Mbak Aca and Mbak Nia to share my daily life with, I’ve got these cutie little pumpkin Atha and Deo to play with. But then…

I did not see the loneliness coming.

I was all alone, craving for adequate human interaction, craving for a friend. People at the hospital are very nice and kind to me, but the thing is I don’t connect with them at the same emotional level. They are not my friends, they’re only colleagues, co-workers.

Until this guy showed up (NO, I’m not going to talk about him in such a romantic way because WE ARE NOT ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED, this person just happens to be a guy). He’s my subordinate in this specific project I lead, and well, people may categorize him into an alay person (wtf is alay in English?! LOL sorry mas) but turned out he’s actually quite funny and he’s also very nice.

Long story short, I ended up hanging out with him and one of his friends (his friend is also my subordinate). Both of them are very nice, very kind and also very funny. I enjoy every minute I spend with them, I enjoy being around them because they make me laugh and most importantly, they make me feel less lonely.

I don’t know why but it took us like only a month or so to be pretty close, I mean, now I feel like I can call ’em friends and not just co-workers. I can feel that they are sincerely want to be friends with me, I don’t think they have any other intention behind my back. (I hope my judgment is correct)

There were also some things happened that contributed to my loneliness. There were moments where I felt worthless, unappreciated, and a lot of negative feelings. And at that time I could not function properly. I couldn’t concentrate at work, I felt like total shit, I wasted my time doing nothing. And it was them, who lifted up my spirit and my mood. I’m back in the game and it all thanks to them. I am forever grateful for these two. They helped me went through my loneliness and my tough times without them knowing…..

I know that they don’t know about any of these, but I will forever owe them one.

But what is life without a series of ups and downs, right?

Hell yeah, life is sucks. Not too long after I felt that I’m back to my old self, there were some things happened that I couldn’t explain here… But the point is, my friendship with them was not easy. It was complicated and somehow full of drama and there were moments when I felt really really sad about it. I mean… All I wanted was only a friend for fuck sake! I had a little moment of desperation… But then yeah, I just hope everything will get better eventually…

I know this post seemed inconclusive… But yeah, whatever.

Signing off,

Hi! So… I didn’t make a 2018’s recap-post, because as I said in my previous post, my 2018 was pretty much sucked.

Anyway, one of my 2018 resolution was to write more on the blog. I know that I ended up only wrote maybe 7 or 8 posts last year (or maybe even less?!), but I somehow nailed that resolution because I finally wrote something after went on long hiatus during my clinical rotation. And, one of my resolution this year is I want to write more, like at least one blog post per month, and it can be anything, such as ideas, thoughts, opinions or maybe even some contemplations but it has to be in English. I mean, after seven freaking years of medschool, I think my English hasn’t gotten better and that’s a shame. So let’s see how this year gonna roll.

Alright, here we go. First of all, disclaimer: I think from what I’m going to write, it will seem like I am a homophobic but believe me, I’m definetely not. I don’t support LGBTQ+ activities because my religion said so, but I’m against any kind of discrimination, bullying, or violence to our LGBTQ+ friends. I mean, for me it is ridiculous to hate people that have different sexual orientation, or gender, or skin color, or religion. If you disagree with them, let them be! They are human being and we should treat them equally simply because they are human.

Alright, so as 2018 ended, there were a lot of lists such as Best Movies of 2018, Best Songs, Instagram’s Best Nine, Youtube Rewind etc etc you get the idea. I knew that I was way behind since I didn’t watch a lot of movies last year, so I decided to looked up for Best Romance Movies of 2018 and there were some movies that I knew and I have heard like “To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before” and “Love, Simon” but also some others that I never knew about such as “Call Me by Your Name” and “Alex Strangelove“.

To my surprise, except for “To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before“, the other three movies I mentioned are stories about homosexual. A gay teenage male trying to find out about their sexuality, trapped between society’s norm versus their own feelings, searching for their identity, and dealing with insecurities.

I’m not saying that those are bad movies, the stories and the messages from those movies are beautiful and incredibly important and the actors and casts are also brilliant in the film. What surprised me the most is just… Somehow I believe that there are “people” behind those movies who want to spread the idea of LGBTQ+, who want to “normalize” them (sorry I can’t find a better word), basically doing a propaganda.

I mean, how clever those people are! Using movies to propagate their beliefs, I think that is way way more effective than exploding a bomb, or doing long march against another person from another religion.

Somehow I feel sad because as far as I know, there are not many movies made by Muslim, and talking about Muslim. I mean, wouldn’t it be a great tool to introduce Muslim to the world. I know that I don’t have any rights to talk about it, I mean, who am I and what have I done to introduce Muslim to the world? I haven’t done much either. So it’s really just my two cents.

But the thing that makes me even sadder is here in my beloved country, people are using religion against one another, it is just sad. Hope everything is going to get better after the election.

Okay so that’s it, I hope nobody will misinterpret my writings ’cause I’m fully aware that this is still such a sensitive topics for our society. If anyone stumble upon this post and maybe disagree with me, just drop a comment below and let’s have discussion about it.

Signing off,

2018 has ended and 2019 just began. Like any other year, I did some recaps about what I’ve done and what I’ve accomplished the past year. Moments later, I found myself comparing my own self between 2017’s “achievements” vs 2018’s “achievements“.

The thing is, so many things happened in 2017. Finishing med school? Checked. National board exam? Checked. Hippocratic Oath? Checked. Traveling alone? Checked. Moving out of that goddamn city? Checked. I went through a lot of things and accomplished one or two things, and yet…. in 2018 I practically did NOTHING except finishing my internship… and well, that felt like a failure compared to what 2017 had given me.

I started to feel like there was a wave of regret, slight anger (or maybe mostly?), guilt and sadness washed me all over the place. I felt angry towards myself because I’ve wasted all the time I had… and the facts that I cannot turn back the time frustrates me even more.

I have to admit…. I didn’t know why (maybe to make myself even more miserable) but I silently started to compare myself to other people, which was a very very abusive and toxic thing to do to oneself. I mean… I looked at most of my friends and they already build their own path and I was just…. stood there in the corner of the room fucking doing nothing. I knew that wasn’t healthy at all… but sometimes you just couldn’t help yourself.

Well, I know that the wheel of life keeps spinning round and round. One day you’re on top of the world and the next thing you know, you are not. Life happens. Everyone has their own moments. So… I don’t know whether I only justified my ‘failure’ or I truly feel that way but I guess it’s okay if I only did something insignificant the past year. That’s just the nature of life, you win some and you lose some.

I guess the lesson learned from all of this is don’t be too hard on yourself. But then again, how do I know the thin line between being too hard and not trying hard enough?? Or maybe that’s just the beauty of growing and evolving. There is always another new limit to push, another boundaries to cross. Sigh.

I actually not that type of new year resolution person, but considering all the circumstances above, 2019 is the perfect blank page to be filled with, to make up for 2018’s failure. I’m going to make some resolution this year, maybe I should have put it here.

Anyway, enough with the ramblings ’cause I’ve still got lotta things to do.

Signing off,