10 years together

Seminggu yang lalu jalan-jalan ke Bandung bersama skuad yang biasanya, aka Zakian dan Bose. Pas di perjalanan entah kenapa tiba-tiba sadar, tahun depan udah 2024 njir. Padahal pacaran sama Zakian sejak 2014, alias tahun depan udah 10 tahun kami bersama!!!!!!!!!!!! Dari umur 21 sampe umur 31 njir….. My jaw dropped when I realized that I practically spend all my twenties with him.

10 tahun itu waktu yang nggak sebentar lho. Jujur merasa sangat amazed sama diri sendiri dan juga sama Zaky. Kok bisa ya, kami–dua manusia yang sangat-sangat egois ini, bisa menurunkan ego dan berkompromi agar keinginan masing-masing bisa terakomodir selama 10 tahun terakhir? Kok bisa ya, kami secara sadar memutuskan untuk tetap bersama sampai selama ini (dan semoga seterusnya)?

I really love the fact that we often come as package deals, yet we still maintain a degree of independence. Zaky has his own set of friends, and so do I. I have my own hobbies, and so does he. It is really nice to be yourself and have your own identity, yet you have someone who’ll always be there for you at the end of the day.

I think I’m one of the luckiest people on earth who happened to meet the half of my soul at such a young age ♥

P.S : Sebetulnya anniversary masih bulan Oktober, jadi postingan ini sama sekali bukan dalam rangka anniversary

P.S.S : Akan dipost kembali dengan judul yang sama tahun depan, pas udah beneran 10 tahun bersama wkwkwkwk

Now when my head is a bit clearer, and my heart feels a bit lighter, I want to look back to those past months… My latest blog posts have been very dark and depressing, to say the least. I mostly talked about death and how hopeless I was haha.. I promise I’m gonna write something hopeful after this.

I think Habil’s death plays a huge role in my depressive episode. I remember that I cried almost every day for almost two weeks after his death. I remember I found myself desperately scrolling through his chats on my phone, scrolling through old albums trying to find his photos, his videos, anything–anything that could remind me of what we had when he was alive.

I remember I texted almost all of my inner circle asking for help because I’ve never experienced such intense sadness before I had no idea how to deal with it. But no one in my closest circle has experienced a loss of a best friend either, I remember that their words weren’t as comforting as I wish they would, I remember I didn’t feel enough… In my hopelessness I even googled “how to deal with best friend death” ha ha it sounds silly right now, but I was desperate back then. I found some answers on Quora and the answers really resonated with me, because they expressed the feelings I couldn’t. I felt slightly comforted, knowing that I wasn’t alone, knowing that someone out there feels exactly what I’m feeling, knowing that I wasn’t crazy for feeling those feelings.

My therapist told me that grieving usually takes about two weeks and after that everything will get better. But I remember I was grieving even months after that. It’s true that it did not hurt as much as the first time, but I was still grieving. I was still in pain. Now when I think about it again… I think that’s because I did not express enough about how devastated I was. I was afraid people thought I was overreacting, afraid people would think I was seeking attention. I felt like I didn’t have the right to grieve that much because he was only my best friend. He wasn’t my family member, he wasn’t even my husband. Yeah I know it was stupid, just because he wasn’t family doesn’t mean my sadness back then was invalid. He wasn’t my family by blood but he was my family by choice. We chose to be in each other’s lives and we chose to be each other’s family. I hope I could say I’ve learned my lessons.

I remember I felt a bit better after visiting his grave. I came back home to spend Eid with my family but I was determined I had to pay Habil a visit. After the visit I felt like ten kilos lighter, it was like something was finally lifted off of my shoulder, even though I could still feel like there was a lump in the back of my throat, and my chest still felt a strange sense of heaviness. But I was better. At least, I thought I was better.

I knew I hadn’t been properly healed when the news of my favourite cousin passing away broke a few months after. It was like… It was like I’m being reminded about those sad, ugly, and negative feelings again. It felt like there was a second–even third–wave of sadness washed me all over my body again. My cousin’s death was a huge loss for my big family.. He was always the life of the party, the one who cracked up jokes during family gatherings, the one who had always, always been so nice and so kind to everyone. I was sad that he died at such a young age, but I remember I felt tripled sad because I couldn’t imagine how my Uncle and my Aunt felt at that time… It was unfair for them to bury their child.. I remember I felt so fucking nauseous and so fucking uncomfortable at that time.

And I guess that was the start when everything went south. I remember I felt devastated, sad, and I felt so fucking alone. The world started to seemed dark and I desperately searched for the light. When I tried to recover, my grandmother–the only grandparent I have left–passed away, and I remember that I felt so fucking angry, angry at the situation, angry at life, I felt angry and frustrated on top of sad and devastated, and I was, really really exhausted…. I felt so fucking exhausted I didn’t think I had any energy left. I think I totally lost it the moment my grandmother died. I had trouble sleeping and I would lay in bed until two or three past midnight. I had no energy to get up in the morning, I literally woke up about ten minutes before the official hospital hour started, get dressed, and went to the hospital. I didn’t even bother to take a shower. I splurged my money on food, but only to find them in the trash can. God, that time my life was falling apart.. I didn’t take care of myself. I eat whenever I feel like it, and since I couldn’t sleep I tried to sleep but in a wrong way, and when I didn’t have emergency duty on weekends I would be sleeping throughout the day. Thank goodness those days are over now :””

You know, I will always be forever grateful for Nabila and Tono, because the two saw straight through to the bullshits I told them, hahaha…. When my life was falling apart, I isolated and distanced myself from the world including both of them. There were times when I stopped telling stories and stopped contacting them if it was not for residency-related things. I could feel that they actually realized it right away, but they didn’t say anything at first.. not until all of this got really bad. One day they decided to talk to me, brought me good food and we ate together in my place, just like in the old times… They were, literally, the glimmer of light I’ve been desperately searching for. Nabila, being the angel she is, went to extra lengths by booking an appointment with a therapist right after that. And for that, I will always be forever grateful.

And now here I am, and even though I can’t say for sure that I’ve totally gotten back to my old self (because honestly, it only needs a few triggers and I find myself slipping back into that darkness) but I can say my head is definitely clearer, and even though I don’t think I feel ultimately happy, but my heart definitely feels lighter. I can see that I’m slowly getting there. Well, discovering BTS and being an ARMY (LMFAOOOO) actually helps soothe this heartache, but I guess that story deserves another blog post…

I’m glad that I finished writing this piece. This blog post actually has been here in the draft for a while now.. I think completing this post has been part of me trying to fully heal myself.. And I know I will, one step at a time.

Protected:

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

I’m getting married in 5 days, but one of my best friend wouldn’t be there on my wedding day. Heck, he doesn’t even know that I’m getting married…..

Turns out his absence is significant. Turns out my heart still aches whenever I think about him. Turns out my heart still breaks into pieces….

Dear Habil, right now I’m surrounded by my best friends who love me, who care for me, who cheers for me. I’m really grateful and I’m really happy right now, but I can’t help but think of you each and everyday. People say grief is just love with no place to go….

Don’t forget to watch me getting hitched from up there ya Bil. I miss you Bil 🖤

Tanggal 25 Agustus lalu Habil ulang tahun yang ke 29. Seminggu sebelumnya, Yohan yang ulang tahun. Waktu Yohan ultah, terus keinget “Oiya ya ulang tahunnya Habil seminggu lagi”, dan waktu itu ada sedikit pikiran kayaknya bakalan sedih pas Habil ulang tahun, ternyata nggak juga. Hari itu berjalan seperti biasa aja….

Tapi jujur, kangen banget banget banget bangetttttttttt sama Habil. Manusia itu emang sukanya take things for granted ya. Ketika Habil masih ada bahkan aku gak sempet nanyain kabarnya, ha, suatu hal yang masih aku sesali sampai detik ini….

Throwback ke jaman mau ujian masuk PPDS. Habil adalah satu-satunya orang terdekatku yang dengan tegas mendukungku untuk mundur ujian kalau memang dirasa belum siap. Kebanyakan orang terdekat yang lain bilang “Nggak ada bedanya daftar semester ini atau semester depan, udah daftar aja” atau memberikan jawaban ngambang “Ya terserah kamu aja mau gimana kan kamu yang menjalani” atau memberikan jawaban diplomatis yang nggak diplomatis “Terserah kamu, tapi nggak ada salahnya juga nyoba dulu, nanti kalau nggak keterima di kesempatan kedua kan udah lebih siap” dan jawaban semacam itu. Waktu itu aku mengalami kecemasan berat ketika mau daftar, dan Habil adalah orang yang bikin aku (semakin) mantep untuk mundur karena dia juga jawab dengan yakin “Setujuuuuuuu, mundur aja kalau belum siap Pek, soalnya sayang kesempatannya cuma dua kali.” Dan aku rasanya kayak “Akhirnya ada yang setuju sama aku!!!” Hahaha waktu itu aku emang bukan bener-bener minta pendapat orang sih kayaknya…. Cuma pengen merasa divalidasi pemikiran dan perasaannya.

Ketika udah makin deket hari ujian, makin cemas, dan telpon Habil, “Kalo aku nggak keterima gimanaaaaa” dan dijawab “Yo rapopoooo nek ra ketompo yo daftar menehhh” wkwkwk.

Kalau lagi mengingat-ingat memori sama Habil, aku sebenernya masih takjub sendiri sih, aku nggak pernah ketemu Habil lagi habis internship, bener-bener semua komunikasi cuma lewat chat dan kebanyakan telpon, tapi entahlah… Aku yakin kami berdua sama-sama mengatakan hal yang tepat untuk satu sama lain, karena ujung-ujungnya kalau curhat ya ke dia lagi dia lagi… Bener-bener ada fase kami banyakan gabutnya yang berujung telponan berjam-jam hahaha…

Dear Habil, how is it up there? I bet you are having a lot of fun watching all of us from above. I really really miss you, you know. I’ve been struggling with a lot of things recently, and I wonder what would you say to me. Perhaps you’ll get mad at me at first. Saying things like “Wolha wong edaaaaaaan” and such…. Wkwkwkkw.

It’s kinda frustrating, and sad, because I don’t know why but I keep being aware of your absence, and I tried to contact you but of course I wouldn’t get any response..

I miss you, and your jokes, and our conversation, and our friendship….