Over The Edge

by Ofi Zukhrufia

It popped out in my mind, this afternoon, while I watched Glee.
It was the episode 14 of the season 3, where Karovsky tried to suicide.
His action affected mostly the people in school.
So, Mr. Schue had all of the Glee club members sat down in a circle, and talked about their future.
There was a scene that I wouldn’t forget.

Finn: Yeah, Mr. Schue, what’s the point of all this?
Mr. Schue: The point is, Rory just had a brand new experience, something as simple as peanut butter. You guys are young. I want you to promise me that, no matter how depressed you get, no matter how hopeless or alone you feel, you’ll try your best to imagine all of the amazing experiences you have ahead of you.
Mercedes: Mr. Schue, look, I know we’re a little dramatic sometimes, but I don’t think anyone will ever considering taking their own life.
Mr. Schue: I did. Junior year. That was… a tough year. I, uh, I cheated on my math midterm. Peeked at the answers of the guy next to me and.. the teacher saw me do it.
Puck: Just cause you got caught cheating? I get caught cheating all the time.
Mr. Schue: They called my dad at his office, and he was coming to pick me up. (sighs) How was I supposed to look him in the eye? I just kept… picturing my dad so disappointed in me. So… I walked up to the roof. I went right to the edge. One step and all the pain and humiliation would be over.
Kurt: Is that true?
Mr. Schue: That day, I promise you, it felt like it was the end of the world. But you know what? It wasn’t. You know, for some of you, getting caught cheating isn’t a big deal. But there’s something… Everyone has something that might take them up to that edge.

And I can’t agree more.
I mean, now I’m in a dark and twisty place. Kind of, not literally.
Lot of things happened recently, and I’m still have more things that gonna come.

I felt this pressure, this uneasy feeling, since before holidays started, and I thought that was maybe because I’m gonna have my block examination.
But it wasn’t.
After the exam, I felt kinda relieved, yeah.
But here it is, the pressure is coming up again.
Maybe, for some people, the reason why I felt so under pressure is just silly. And weird.
And it’s not a big deal.
But for me, it is a big deal.

And you know what, I’m escaping.
In medical school, specifically in physiology, I were taught about the body response called “Fight or Flight Response” that activated by sympathetic nervous system, which responsible for the feeling of fear, or anger, or whenever human body is in condition such as danger, physical or psychological stress.

I know what exactly I’m doing.
I choose to flight.
I choose to run away, I choose to escape.
I am fully aware that escape, in any way, is not gonna help.
But sometimes…..

It’s good to not care about anything.
To ignore that uneasy feelings.
To deny what’s happening.
But if it’s easy, it’s not a life. Yeah.

I just need to admit that I’m on a denial phase.
I just need to take everything slow.. And then get up and back in the game.
I just need a little time…..

 

 

 

This is a total weird post.
But I’m glad I make it.
I mean, I believe in psychology teach that, admitting feelings you don’t want to admit is a sign of recovery :)

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